this and that… March 31, 2008

Very busy weekend, which in ways is good….no time to be depressed, and no time to get anything else done either.    I left after work on Friday forButler where I met old work friends at the Beacon Hotel for supper and drinks.   Robin, Kathy Bupp, Verna, Renae, Missy and even Debby Brown were there.   It was great to see them, but also to realized that they will be lifelong friends.    It was a little weird in the bar, very smokey!   I spent the night with Robin and then saw Gene Seezox who trimmed my hair, which sorely needed it and I feel so much better.    Sat night we went to Jamestown to see a music show with Eric Anderson and Jim Lynch’s friend as well.  It was a nice venue at the Robert Jackson Center  and great music.   Sunday I left for church, attended the shower for Talena and then off to Buffalo with Kim and Justine, and Millie for a seminar that was put on by Muslims about women’s role in the different religions.     Unfortunately we got the male’s view in several of them and Muslim talk was disappointing….basically saying that because women menstruate they can’t have a role in the “church” because God said so, or something like that.  The native American speaker was good about how they have been taken advantage of, but  except for saying that the clan mothers make most of the decisions, hardly spoke about women at all.   But it was fun to do things withing the community and get to know these women better.    I also went to church on Thursday evening for the potluck and knitting.

We’ve had a few more days of sunshine thank God, but we have a muddy mess after the rain which is depressing too.   I’ll be glad to really be able to get outside more.   I have been running Damien in the morning some  which he seems to enjoy.   Last week I came home and he had destroyed the trim around two doors and I was horrified!!!   He must have been spooked by something.   I could hardly imagine how I was to tell Peter.     It seems he doesn’t much like Damien anyway and now this.  Ugh.    

Peter seems happy with the new job so far.    I so hope it works out!   He actually is making more money than me for the first time which should make him happy!!

I miss my relationship with Shelby, or at least the relationship I would like to have.   I’m waiting to hear from her but am not holding my breath.   She seems to really not want us in her lives.   

There are more birds in the air and the locals have found our feeder…yeah!!!   

Riley and Erin took a train to NYC this past weekend to visit her brother and Matt and Reese! 

I’m feeling better this week.   

Still snow on the ground and in my heart; not really March 27, 2008

There is still snow on the ground around our house, but it is melting into a mud bath.    Today its in the 40s.   I’m tired.    Last night I came home from work and Damien had destroyed the woodwork around two of our doors.     I was so upset.   He must have been spooked somehow.    I felt so bad.    Went to Rocco’s in Fredonia for a fabulous meal with Riley and Erin.    I’ve been given the cold shoulder from Peter and hope that he works out whatever is going on.   I don’t have the energy for that either.     I got upset with him on Easter while I was trying to do the dishes and he criticized how I put things in the dishwasher and actually removed things I put in.  So I guess I don’t need to do dishes anymore if I don’t do them right.   I left for a while and went for a walk with Damien down to the gorge.    I need that alone time to  be me.   We did have a nice Easter with Kathy and Marcia and Riley and Erin and John and Avery…..   great lamb and colored deviled eggs and lots of desserts.   Erin made a super sweet decorated cake for Peter.      I’m doing fairly well on my new eliptcal machine.   It makes me feel better to be more active.    I feel like the combination of gray skies, cold weather, Shelby whining and my inactivity have combined to make me feel like shit.   I’m looking forward to more daylight and energy.    Today I took Damien for a run before work, and worked out after work.   I will try to make that a habit.

Easter March 23, 2008

The sun is shining and it is Easter morning. I woke up in tears, a hangover from my conversation with Shelby yesterday, when I AGAIN get accused of various and sundry things that are currently ruining her life. That is an overstatement, but it feels that way to me. Why do I always put everything on her….. expecting her to “move on “, not invite her to Easter so she is feeling left out, defending Riley and on and on. I try to be conciliatory, ask her what I can do to help “us” move on, and the conversation circles back to all the “mistakes” I’ve made in the past. I feel like I don’t even have a daughter, just the ghost of holiday trauma. I exist to be her whipping post. No matter how hard I try it is never right. She selects out of context things I say and uses them against me. Ugh. I am becoming emotionally depleted and feel like I don’t even want to try anymore. Of course , that goes against my personal nature, but I believe I will have to “take a stand” and if she wants to have a relationship with me, she’ll have to pursue it.   I am so so so tired of working to make it right, that I have no energy left.

Easter March 23, 2008

Its a glorious sunny day.   I wish I felt better, but I’m sure that I will feel better as the day progresses.   I have an emotional hangover from my conversation with Shelby yesterday, receiving the brunt of her frustrations, and as always, I’m the “bad guy”……. asking her to move on, defending Riley, not inviting her to Easter, believing what Jody said about Riley, and on and on and on in a circular fashion to the point of  feeling physical pain.    I have not emotional energy to even try any more.   Perhaps this is one of those instances that I need to totally give up.   It goes against my personal nature, but I do admit I am powerless over this one.    I guess that if she wants a relationship with me, she’ll have to instigate it.     I can’t go on like this.   Its beyond an emotional roller coster.   At least that implicates that there are “ups”.     I haven’t felt that way with her in ages.     She is self centered and cannot imagine anyone elses plights or postitions.    I am sorry for this.

I had a really nice conversation with Shelby my brother last night.   He gave me lots of positive feedback and is one of the people in my life that really knows what I’ve had to deal with….. the death of a brother, divorce of my parents, the craziness of my mother, alcohlism of my husband and on and on and on.

I will ready myself for church.    I have to read today.   I need hope and joy right now in my life.

Sorrowful Susan March 23, 2008

I should write, but don’t feel like it.   I feel devastated.    Lost.    Like I can’t do anything right.   No matter what I say to Shelby, she says I’ve twisted it around to say something negative about her.   Even if I deny it, she goes on and on about how I shouldn’t have said it in the first place and only proves how evil I am.   Or so it makes me think.   I’m  sad.   I’ m sorrowful.   I feel like there is NOTHING  I can do or say to make amends.  I miss her.   I need her.   But I don’t need her that bad to feel sorrowful all the time.

Peter is off to work! March 17, 2008

Peter is driving down the lane to start his first day at his “new job” in Erie as site manager of a large condo that will be built at Holiday Valley in Ellicottville, NY. I hope and pray that he has the wherewithall to presevere and that it will be a stimulating and rewarding job for him. He has been laid off since sometime in July and although it was wonderful for him to be off during the active building phase here, he needs to go off to work not only for our pocketbook, but mainly for his self esteem. I find myself getting frustrated with him and its not necessarily his fault. One of the things that I’ve discovered about myself is that I need time to myself in my home to sort of just “be”. With me working five days a week with this new job, and Peter not working at all, I just don’t have it. Then, with me carpooling three days a week, I haven’t been able to get to the gym to work out and that’s a major problem. I don’t have the stress relief, and I have watched my weight increase, and I just feel bad about myself, so come home and drink, and that makes it worse. So, perhaps I’ll have an hour or so to myself once he starts working on site. And, I just got an ellyptical machine so I can work out here and that will do lots to get rid of stress and frustration. So far, I’ve done well….two days in a row, and feel committed to continue. I have a lot to be happy about today. Peter’s salary will really help us get our feet on the ground and pay for those things that need to be finished and start to pay back our loan.

We had a nice weekend….. Friday night spent the evening with Melissa and Joe, folks that are friends of Pam and Biff that have recently moved to Ripley. We went to their house and met their lovely children and had a nice meal. I was tired when I got home and it was the last thing I felt like I wanted to do…..go out and meet new people, but it turned out great and I’m glad we did it. She has a three week old baby and that was fun! We don’t get an opportunity to hang out with “wee” ones any more. Saturday brought homemade pizza with Jim and Carla and Riley and Erin for supper, and on Sunday we went to Palm Sunday service and then Eileen Minnock and her husband came by to see our house on their way back to Pburg from a basketball tournament in Jamestown. She brought me day lillies which I can’t wait to plant…..hear spring, green, landscaping.

Its still cold here, now 19 degrees and it snowed a “bit” yesterday. WE still have snow on the ground but it is melting quickly and it should be sunny today. THAT makes all the difference in the world.

Chalky is having an increasingly difficult time getting up once he is down. Its not a good sign. I’m so afraid that he will break something when he falls. It seems that Peter is at least pondering the fact that it might not be a long time before he won’t be around. Its tough. We’ve never had a dog “last” that long. And he has been such a wonderful, easy dog. I feel so bad for him even now, spending his days and night in basically one place in Peter’s den on his bed. I wish he could walk around more in our house, but he can’t walk on our floors as they are too slippery.

Its St. Patricks Day! I just put the corned beef in the crock pot!..mmmmmm….

Watching the second season of Lost, trying to catch up to be able to watch Lost with Riley and Erin.

Its a short week at work! Hurrah! Looking forward to having family here for Easter

“Fast time”, or post daylight savings change March 13, 2008

We still have piles of snow, and it IS 31 degrees right now, but we had sunshine that even lasted until nearly 7:30 which was such a treat. I can feel my solar batteries charging and getting ready to aid my bones and psyche. Yes! Love that daylight savings time!

Ordinary day at work, except for the past few days have been very busy just before quitting time. I guess it is the teens getting out of school and rushing into the office…. I DO love my job. Last night I shared with my women’s church group my “journey” and what I am doing now. I reiterated how much I love the different cultures and ages and the gifts I get from patients…that is gifts, in the allegorical sense.

Peter is not feeling well. At least it is NOT the flu. He coughed his way thru the night. I woke with his coughing as well as a huge avalanche of snow falling off the roof that sounded like an explosion. I lived thru it, thankfully. I liked the night before when I heard a barn owl ….. “who cooks for you?….who cooks for you too?” for the longest time. I had never heard an owl in the winter. I am beginning also to hear a few cardinals and birds become more active, which is heartening.

Peter starts full time work next week. It will be a major shift around here. I hope its good for him. He needs something positive. Today he has nearly finished the bar behind the stove and its lovely. His gifts are many and I need to keep that in mind. Unfortunately just before I leave for work in the morning he’ll say something that sets me off, and I’m off…. we shouldn’t talk then. I need my quiet time.

Riley and Erin are planning a train trip to NYC. They remind me so much of how Peter and I were. ….but new age “us”.

I’m trying to watch the second season of “Lost”. I got the first disc from Netflix and it was cracked. Major bummer. I’m ready to go to bed. Of course, its dark now, and that is my major cue. Good night.

Sick friends and gardens March 11, 2008

I have just recently, this past weekend, received an update about my friend Lina and her battle with lymphoma. I knew Lina from Huntingdon, Pa where we lived for nearly ten years and raised our kids in their earlier years. Lina and Burt had an organic farm and ran the farmers market in Huntingdon. I delivered their daughter Chloe. When Chloe was about 8 months old, Burt was murdered by a drunk neigbor who was unhappy about Burt and Lina’s dogs running in the woods. He was shot right in front of Lina. I can’t begin to explain what a tragedy this was for her and the community. They had both been activists from Washington DC and moved to the country to avoid crime and live the simple life. Burt had come up with the bumper sticker “Robin Hood was right” and had a bumper sticker on his vehicle that took him to the hospital that declared “Farms, not arms”. So now, Lina is remarried with two daughters and living in Maine and living with late stage lymphoma. This weekend she begins a stem cell transplant from her brother in hopes that his white blood cells will replace her cancerous ones. It is quite ironic that someone with such a background in organic foods and natural life should have to be so exposed to chemo and radiation, but it is her only hope of living and she seems to have quite the will power. Perhaps after all the pollutants (her cancer cells) are removed, and her brothers cells are “planted”, and her soul is nurtured, she can “grow” this garden of healthy cells and again be whole. I hope so. Her struggles make my silly little daily problems seems like silly little daily problems that I should just ignore and be happy for my health and good fortunes…..home, family, good job and an abundance of people who care very much for me. And so I will try to keep these thoughts close to my heart as I go through my day and pray for Lina to have the strength that she needs for the upcoming battle!

my eyes hurt March 10, 2008

My eyes hurt.  Silly me.   I tried a new “natural” skin cream today, of course very expensive and supposed to make me look 16 again, and it leaked into my eyes and I spent the whole day drooling from my eyeballs with severe pain and sensitivity to light.    Normally I appreciate the window that I sit next to at work, but today I was cursing it, and myself for not being more careful and the vanity involved.  Hours later I still feel like I need to go to sleep as my lids are quite swollen.

Its snowing again with the big fluffy flakes falling slowly. They dress up the hemlocks around the house like lace.   We had a great March storm over the weekend when it dumped 2 feet and we had to have our drive plowed twice in one weekend.   I bet we haven’t had it plowed more than 4 times all together over the entire winter.   I just wish it had been this way in December.   March snow doesn’t stay long and its a lot of work to take the snowshoes out and beat down a path for the cross country skis, only to have it melt away soon.  It is 32 degrees right now.

I do like the extra bit of light as we just “sprang ahead”.   I don’t think I ever really adjust to the “fall back” time, or “slow time” that was described by someone at church, so for me its just normalizing.

Peter is sick.  I hope its not the flu.   He so desperately needs to get to work full time.    He needs the stimulation of a job as well as comaraderie of others.    We had such a health worry with him over that past 6 months.   It started with him losing about 20 pounds fairly suddenly, accompanied by a chronic cough.   That led to esophogeal ulcers which were treated, more GI studies  leading to a “swallow the camera” study, which led to ….well there is a polyp but its not worrisome, which led to an MRI of the lungs where multiple nodules were discovered, only to be told that they don’t look worrisome either, the horizontal while lines on his nails, which was thought to be a zinc deficiency and after all that, he gained back the weight and stopped coughing.   I think it was enough to scare him into health!!!!     Probably it was all caused by the stress of building our new home this past summer, which I have yet to detail.     Once the ulcers were treated he stopped coughing as well.   I guess for many that is the only symptom they experience.    Thankfully he had quit smoking about a year ago.

Peter is attending  a meeting of the planning committee for the upcoming Bluegrass Festival in Mayville to be held in June.   I am so glad he is getting involved with community  organizations so that he’ll be able to meet folks here who are healthy and have “missions”!  He spends way too much time by himself while unemployed.     He is, however quite busy putting finishing touches on the house….just doesn’t see many people.    I think I’ll lie down and rest my eyes.    They still hurt.

Hello world! March 10, 2008

I will today begin a written adventure, hopefully based on my paths thru the “vines of life”. This site is called “In the Vines”, named after our new home in Westfield, New York. In 1999 I was led to a parcel of land on the Chautauqa Gorge in Chautauqua County, NY. Peter and I had dreamed of finding a piece of land in that area, where we both grew up and met, dreaming that one day we would live there again. Saying that I was led there means that one day I just decided to drive on the “backest most remotest” roads I could find in the area. As I traveled thru one area with dense woods I stopped and said to myself, “…now this is where I’d like to be, here in the woods…” and lo and behold I turned my head and saw a “for sale” sign staring me in the face! These 30 acres of woods on the gorge became ours as we promised to be stewards of the land and coughed up the bucks! Since then, we put in a road, place two Amish built cabins to camp in (one a storage shed and the other complete with wood stove and kerosene lamps), had bonfires, picnics, cross country skiied and snow shoed, hosted the wedding for Riley and Erin on July 3,2004, hunted mushrooms, walked dogs, watched the deer and turkey, read, wrote and loved each other and our place, “the vines”. And now, we are finishing building a new home having relocated here for good! I would like to chronicle the adventure, dipping into the past a bit to connect with the directions the past led us and appreciating the past for the positives it brought to our life. Hopefully, I’ll be able to discard the negatives along the way for good. I need to. The reason we called our place “the Vines” is that the woods were enmeshed and covered by wild grape vines that were pulling down the trees and obscuring much. We started cutting the vines and burning the vines and fighting the vines (they do fight back). We still have some, but nothing like when we started. They need constant attention for sure. We discovered whole trees we didn’t know were there! Also, we live in the middle of grape country along Lake Erie, the home of Welches grapejuice, and now many wineries. Thus, “the Vines seems apt. This will prove to be an allegory I’m sure, but we’ll see where it leads……