trillium and fiddle heads April 27, 2008

This has been an interesting two weeks, ups and downs for sure. In brief….. I traveled to San Antonio for my colposcopy course, which turned out to be far more interesting than I had anticipated. The conference was well organized and the professors gave the info I needed and I ended up being way more excited about doing colposcopies than I figured I would. The conference also gave me time to be by myself, which I sorely needed. I didn’t go out of my way to make friends with folks like I usually do, knowing that I needed the time to get just be with myself. It worked. I did a lot of walking in that darling town. I ate a lot of tex mex and tried to catch up on sleep. Over all, I enjoyed the conference, San Antonio and being with me.

Shelby called me on the Saturday I was there and was quite excited that “she and Jody had bid on a house and were the bid was accepted. Actually it is Jody doing the buying, but naturally Shelby is excited too. I was glad to have a nice conversation.

I traveled home on Sunday and had two whole wonderful days at home as comp time. I also really needed that, and at the same time spring was springing with the new green and bird calls …ahhh…. what an expression of God for sure.

The day after I returned, I feel like I got beat up by Shelby once again, first for not doing anything for Jody’s birthday, and then for expressing my feelings that I’m always being criticized by her and not recognizing her hurt. I got physically ill after I hung up, so sad that she is such an unhappy person and feels it necessary to point out others faults. She must be very very sick and I hope and pray that she is getting the help that she needs. I have to admit that I can’t control her or will her to do anything. She is an adult. She has isolated herself so very much. I worry . She doesn’t understand that when she hurts, I hurt for her, not for myself. I was fortunate enough to be able to have lunch with Kim this week. She was very supportive and said she would try to help me find a therapist that has experience with family members of mentally ill. I need something for damn sure. She advised me also to express to her that I don’t agree with how she sees things, that I’ll think about it and get back with her later, in order to protect myself. I’m scared, yes, of what might happen in the future, but I need to know that I HAVE done everything in my control, but cannot manage the outcome. I cannot expect positive stuff from her, but boy am I lucky to have the other positive people…. Erin, Riley, Reese, and other friends. I have to focus on that. But I still worry. Is it mental illness, or just a prolonged maturation process???

I went with Erin this past Friday to Slippery Rock when she had to measure students for costumes. I got to see Andy, whose baby Jude I had delivered 16 months ago. He was also the drummer for the African dance class I took…..what a treat. And what a treat to see Nora and family and do a bunch of catch up with new of Butler people.   I will visit her the week after next for an evening.

Spring has definitley sprung around here.   I have been out both days this weekend cutting vines, even some as big as my leg down closer to the creek.    The trillium are in full bloom, both red and white on the east facing banks.   The fiddle heads are peeping up and the maples have just come out with leaves after dropping their red thingies this past week.     I’m inspired for sure!

I’m cutting way back on my antidepressant hoping that the longer days and sunshine will help.   I’m also cutting back on alcohol and trying to loose a few pounds.   When I came back from San Antonio I was over 120 and that’s ridiculous.    Its not just melting away for sure, but I am being very good about using the elliptical machine

Birds out my window April 14, 2008

It snowed yesterday!   The local lore is that it has to snow three times on the daffodils.   Unfortunately we have no daffodils, but at least the snow was melted by mid day and the sun shown.     In more ways than one.

Shelby came for supper and a chat and she didn’t leave angry at me, and for that I am very happy!  I am grateful.

I’ve been having a ball watching our bird feeders newly installed near our window….    we have junkos, tufted titmice, downy woodpeckers, goldfinches, purple finches, cardinals, blue jays, mourning doves and probably others I don’t know.    I ma mesmerized by the secen and have ordered a good, I hope, pair of birding binoculars.

The weekend was a bit stressful…. had to talk toPeter again about how I am tired of struggling with the relationship and if wants change, he’ll have to put some effort into it.    In short, he claims he tries to be cooperative, but I contend that cooperative is for kindergartners….  It takes more than that to nurture a relationship that for many hyears has been floundering with alchoholism.   He has never gone for counseling after stopping drinking and until he does that I fear it is hopeless.     I am tired of his self centered  attitude about almost everything.    I came home after a grueling week on Friday, thinking I’d like to go out and we ended up eating left overs.     Ugh.

We had a nice visit from Joe and Melissa and their baby and Riley and Erin on Saturday night.   I spent a big part of the day making homemead pizza but it was well worth it.

Am looking forward to San Antonio in two days.   I have so little to look forward to except better weather which I so much do!

The quiet in the morning is inspirational April 11, 2008

I like these early mornings after Peter has left for work.  It is important to me to have a little quiet “me” time which I don’t seem to get in the evenings.     I have enjoyed watching the sunrise and even have started to take short runs before work to give Damien some exercise so he doesn’t eat our house!   I have also been giving me melatonin.   The mornings are warmer and I’ve been turning off the heat during the days and letting the house passively warm which seems to work.      I saw my first green leaf yesterday in Pittsburgh!!!  And a couple flowering trees including a forsythia.    I used to tell Shelby that when the flowers came on the trees, it would be her birthday, and when the leaves came on the trees it would be Riley’s!   Never the less, I could use a few more leaves.   The other day the lake was crystal blue, reminding me of the Carribean!   I think there are still a few chunks of ice floating around out there.

Had car trouble this week.   My starter went and it was inconvenient, as I had driven that day and it took two days to get it figured out.  I could have gotten all dragged down into the negativity of it all, but there are some positives:     I had a nice chat with the AAA lady who dispatched the truck and it turned out she was from Erie even tho it was a national call center and she had someone there immediately.     Even tho I didn’t like the response I got from Firestone, they are right across the street which makes in convenient.   And now, I have a starter which should last me another 100,000 miles!

I attended a training yesterday in Pittsburght on options counseling and it was rather boring and very very long.     That included 6 hours of driving which I don’t think I want to do again all in one day!

I received a compliment from Harold at work, my supervisor’s supervisor who called me “his hero” for helping with recruiting …..looks like I’ll have helped bring on two CRNP’s.

I’m looking forward to Texas next week!

I heard from Shelby yesterday and even though she chastised me for “blame”, at least I heard from her and she said she wants us to be a part of her life and that is good as so often I don’t know, or think that she might not.  I have to be happy with the fact that at least I heard from her and hopefully we can figure out some time that we can do something for her birthday.     She hasn’t been here since Christmas and I have only seen her once since then.  There is a big hole in my heart as I miss her so very much and when I think about it I cry.   But I am trying to be positive and hopeful.

this and that again April 8, 2008

Its Monday, the wind is blowing and drying the mud. We had a beautiful weekend with the beginning of the feelings of spring. I actually was able to open the window to let in fresh air. The crocuses are blooming, (I stole some from Riley’s place), the snow drops up and the snow is gone, thank goodness. We hiked into the gorge yesterday and there is still some snow hiding in spots, but generally its gone. The geese at the reservoir have returned, and I have seen my buddy the hawk is back that flies across our road! I even had a mosquito in my car today.

I worked an hour overtime tonight to get charts ready for our audit.

Pot luck at church on Sunday. Riley and Erin came over for grilled chicken on Sunday.

I’m trying to be good about my exercising.

The lake is still melting but today I saw more blue than white.

I dreamed that I couldn’t find Shelby. I miss her so much. I wrote and told her we are here if she wants us in her life, but I must be patient. I feel so torn about her relationship with Jody. I’m not sure it is a good thing. Everything changed when Jody came around. I just don’t know. And its frustrating when I don’t.

I told Peter this weekend that I am so very tired of his constant criticisms. I don’t know how I can be more clear about that. It gets so tiresome and makes me want to go to work, or be alone. I hope it gets better.

The wind is blowing very strong tonight. Its loud and sounds like a train.

The clocks are ticking in the background.

We went to Jim and Carla’s for supper on Sat then to Breeze for jazz. That was a bit boring and as Erin says, too many notes.

I don’t feel creative tonight.