Spring green continues May 19, 2008

We have had at least three days of rain, and it continues this Monday morning.   I sit at my computer watching our bird feeders and see Mr. and Mrs. Rose Breasted Grossbeak, who as Peter says, are as close to a parrot as we’ll probably ger here.   I am thrilled that a hummingbird couple has discovered our feeder and noticed that the female pirches on a tiny branch only a few feet from the feeder.   We have at least 3 different kind of wood peckers including the the large pilated wood pecker, at least one pair.   This all reminds me of spending hours at my grandmother’s house in Lakewood and watching her birds.   She was an avid birder.  They even had a purple martin house.   I continue to have such a close relationship with my dad’s mother and many of her passions and interests are also mine.

I was disappointed in all the rain over the weekend as it prevented me from getting out into the woods, which, besides trying to keep ahead of the grape vine shoots, is quite therapeutic for me.   i will try to get out after work some day this week if it ever stops raining!

We had a nice weekend with Shelby.   She and Jody came for the afternoon on Saturday and then we all went to the horse races at Presque Isle Downs in Erie and bet on about three races.    I was glad that we all had fun together and hope we can see each other a little  more often.

Jacinda started as a nurse practitioner new graduate last week in our office and I think will work out wonderfully!!!   Although it is a little harder to tell someone why and how you are doing everything you do, but she picks up everything so quickly that it will be worth it soon.

Sunday dinner with Riley and Erin, a roast chicken, mashed potatoes, butternut squash  and homemade cole slaw.   It is such a blessing to have them near.

I finally figured out how to get a “little” TV.   Both dish companies said they could not provide service here for the trees, and cable doesn’t come.   I bought the new digital box and now can get a few very clear channels, including public TV!    Not that I really have time to watch it……..     am now watching the last season of Lost on the internet and may be finished in time to see this season’s finale.

I’m trying to keep up with my exercise routine.  We went out with the church group on Friday night.

I found a third type of trillium recently, small and white with a dark pink center.

We went to a newcomers in Westfield “to-do” last Thursday night which was fun….  met several new couples we might like to spend time with.     One couple is from Sewickly and has a boat!!!   (and art galleries)

I’d like to be able to identify the ferns around here.    I found 4 different  kinds last nigh.

trillium and fiddle heads April 27, 2008

This has been an interesting two weeks, ups and downs for sure. In brief….. I traveled to San Antonio for my colposcopy course, which turned out to be far more interesting than I had anticipated. The conference was well organized and the professors gave the info I needed and I ended up being way more excited about doing colposcopies than I figured I would. The conference also gave me time to be by myself, which I sorely needed. I didn’t go out of my way to make friends with folks like I usually do, knowing that I needed the time to get just be with myself. It worked. I did a lot of walking in that darling town. I ate a lot of tex mex and tried to catch up on sleep. Over all, I enjoyed the conference, San Antonio and being with me.

Shelby called me on the Saturday I was there and was quite excited that “she and Jody had bid on a house and were the bid was accepted. Actually it is Jody doing the buying, but naturally Shelby is excited too. I was glad to have a nice conversation.

I traveled home on Sunday and had two whole wonderful days at home as comp time. I also really needed that, and at the same time spring was springing with the new green and bird calls …ahhh…. what an expression of God for sure.

The day after I returned, I feel like I got beat up by Shelby once again, first for not doing anything for Jody’s birthday, and then for expressing my feelings that I’m always being criticized by her and not recognizing her hurt. I got physically ill after I hung up, so sad that she is such an unhappy person and feels it necessary to point out others faults. She must be very very sick and I hope and pray that she is getting the help that she needs. I have to admit that I can’t control her or will her to do anything. She is an adult. She has isolated herself so very much. I worry . She doesn’t understand that when she hurts, I hurt for her, not for myself. I was fortunate enough to be able to have lunch with Kim this week. She was very supportive and said she would try to help me find a therapist that has experience with family members of mentally ill. I need something for damn sure. She advised me also to express to her that I don’t agree with how she sees things, that I’ll think about it and get back with her later, in order to protect myself. I’m scared, yes, of what might happen in the future, but I need to know that I HAVE done everything in my control, but cannot manage the outcome. I cannot expect positive stuff from her, but boy am I lucky to have the other positive people…. Erin, Riley, Reese, and other friends. I have to focus on that. But I still worry. Is it mental illness, or just a prolonged maturation process???

I went with Erin this past Friday to Slippery Rock when she had to measure students for costumes. I got to see Andy, whose baby Jude I had delivered 16 months ago. He was also the drummer for the African dance class I took…..what a treat. And what a treat to see Nora and family and do a bunch of catch up with new of Butler people.   I will visit her the week after next for an evening.

Spring has definitley sprung around here.   I have been out both days this weekend cutting vines, even some as big as my leg down closer to the creek.    The trillium are in full bloom, both red and white on the east facing banks.   The fiddle heads are peeping up and the maples have just come out with leaves after dropping their red thingies this past week.     I’m inspired for sure!

I’m cutting way back on my antidepressant hoping that the longer days and sunshine will help.   I’m also cutting back on alcohol and trying to loose a few pounds.   When I came back from San Antonio I was over 120 and that’s ridiculous.    Its not just melting away for sure, but I am being very good about using the elliptical machine

Birds out my window April 14, 2008

It snowed yesterday!   The local lore is that it has to snow three times on the daffodils.   Unfortunately we have no daffodils, but at least the snow was melted by mid day and the sun shown.     In more ways than one.

Shelby came for supper and a chat and she didn’t leave angry at me, and for that I am very happy!  I am grateful.

I’ve been having a ball watching our bird feeders newly installed near our window….    we have junkos, tufted titmice, downy woodpeckers, goldfinches, purple finches, cardinals, blue jays, mourning doves and probably others I don’t know.    I ma mesmerized by the secen and have ordered a good, I hope, pair of birding binoculars.

The weekend was a bit stressful…. had to talk toPeter again about how I am tired of struggling with the relationship and if wants change, he’ll have to put some effort into it.    In short, he claims he tries to be cooperative, but I contend that cooperative is for kindergartners….  It takes more than that to nurture a relationship that for many hyears has been floundering with alchoholism.   He has never gone for counseling after stopping drinking and until he does that I fear it is hopeless.     I am tired of his self centered  attitude about almost everything.    I came home after a grueling week on Friday, thinking I’d like to go out and we ended up eating left overs.     Ugh.

We had a nice visit from Joe and Melissa and their baby and Riley and Erin on Saturday night.   I spent a big part of the day making homemead pizza but it was well worth it.

Am looking forward to San Antonio in two days.   I have so little to look forward to except better weather which I so much do!

The quiet in the morning is inspirational April 11, 2008

I like these early mornings after Peter has left for work.  It is important to me to have a little quiet “me” time which I don’t seem to get in the evenings.     I have enjoyed watching the sunrise and even have started to take short runs before work to give Damien some exercise so he doesn’t eat our house!   I have also been giving me melatonin.   The mornings are warmer and I’ve been turning off the heat during the days and letting the house passively warm which seems to work.      I saw my first green leaf yesterday in Pittsburgh!!!  And a couple flowering trees including a forsythia.    I used to tell Shelby that when the flowers came on the trees, it would be her birthday, and when the leaves came on the trees it would be Riley’s!   Never the less, I could use a few more leaves.   The other day the lake was crystal blue, reminding me of the Carribean!   I think there are still a few chunks of ice floating around out there.

Had car trouble this week.   My starter went and it was inconvenient, as I had driven that day and it took two days to get it figured out.  I could have gotten all dragged down into the negativity of it all, but there are some positives:     I had a nice chat with the AAA lady who dispatched the truck and it turned out she was from Erie even tho it was a national call center and she had someone there immediately.     Even tho I didn’t like the response I got from Firestone, they are right across the street which makes in convenient.   And now, I have a starter which should last me another 100,000 miles!

I attended a training yesterday in Pittsburght on options counseling and it was rather boring and very very long.     That included 6 hours of driving which I don’t think I want to do again all in one day!

I received a compliment from Harold at work, my supervisor’s supervisor who called me “his hero” for helping with recruiting …..looks like I’ll have helped bring on two CRNP’s.

I’m looking forward to Texas next week!

I heard from Shelby yesterday and even though she chastised me for “blame”, at least I heard from her and she said she wants us to be a part of her life and that is good as so often I don’t know, or think that she might not.  I have to be happy with the fact that at least I heard from her and hopefully we can figure out some time that we can do something for her birthday.     She hasn’t been here since Christmas and I have only seen her once since then.  There is a big hole in my heart as I miss her so very much and when I think about it I cry.   But I am trying to be positive and hopeful.

this and that again April 8, 2008

Its Monday, the wind is blowing and drying the mud. We had a beautiful weekend with the beginning of the feelings of spring. I actually was able to open the window to let in fresh air. The crocuses are blooming, (I stole some from Riley’s place), the snow drops up and the snow is gone, thank goodness. We hiked into the gorge yesterday and there is still some snow hiding in spots, but generally its gone. The geese at the reservoir have returned, and I have seen my buddy the hawk is back that flies across our road! I even had a mosquito in my car today.

I worked an hour overtime tonight to get charts ready for our audit.

Pot luck at church on Sunday. Riley and Erin came over for grilled chicken on Sunday.

I’m trying to be good about my exercising.

The lake is still melting but today I saw more blue than white.

I dreamed that I couldn’t find Shelby. I miss her so much. I wrote and told her we are here if she wants us in her life, but I must be patient. I feel so torn about her relationship with Jody. I’m not sure it is a good thing. Everything changed when Jody came around. I just don’t know. And its frustrating when I don’t.

I told Peter this weekend that I am so very tired of his constant criticisms. I don’t know how I can be more clear about that. It gets so tiresome and makes me want to go to work, or be alone. I hope it gets better.

The wind is blowing very strong tonight. Its loud and sounds like a train.

The clocks are ticking in the background.

We went to Jim and Carla’s for supper on Sat then to Breeze for jazz. That was a bit boring and as Erin says, too many notes.

I don’t feel creative tonight.

this and that… March 31, 2008

Very busy weekend, which in ways is good….no time to be depressed, and no time to get anything else done either.    I left after work on Friday forButler where I met old work friends at the Beacon Hotel for supper and drinks.   Robin, Kathy Bupp, Verna, Renae, Missy and even Debby Brown were there.   It was great to see them, but also to realized that they will be lifelong friends.    It was a little weird in the bar, very smokey!   I spent the night with Robin and then saw Gene Seezox who trimmed my hair, which sorely needed it and I feel so much better.    Sat night we went to Jamestown to see a music show with Eric Anderson and Jim Lynch’s friend as well.  It was a nice venue at the Robert Jackson Center  and great music.   Sunday I left for church, attended the shower for Talena and then off to Buffalo with Kim and Justine, and Millie for a seminar that was put on by Muslims about women’s role in the different religions.     Unfortunately we got the male’s view in several of them and Muslim talk was disappointing….basically saying that because women menstruate they can’t have a role in the “church” because God said so, or something like that.  The native American speaker was good about how they have been taken advantage of, but  except for saying that the clan mothers make most of the decisions, hardly spoke about women at all.   But it was fun to do things withing the community and get to know these women better.    I also went to church on Thursday evening for the potluck and knitting.

We’ve had a few more days of sunshine thank God, but we have a muddy mess after the rain which is depressing too.   I’ll be glad to really be able to get outside more.   I have been running Damien in the morning some  which he seems to enjoy.   Last week I came home and he had destroyed the trim around two doors and I was horrified!!!   He must have been spooked by something.   I could hardly imagine how I was to tell Peter.     It seems he doesn’t much like Damien anyway and now this.  Ugh.    

Peter seems happy with the new job so far.    I so hope it works out!   He actually is making more money than me for the first time which should make him happy!!

I miss my relationship with Shelby, or at least the relationship I would like to have.   I’m waiting to hear from her but am not holding my breath.   She seems to really not want us in her lives.   

There are more birds in the air and the locals have found our feeder…yeah!!!   

Riley and Erin took a train to NYC this past weekend to visit her brother and Matt and Reese! 

I’m feeling better this week.   

Still snow on the ground and in my heart; not really March 27, 2008

There is still snow on the ground around our house, but it is melting into a mud bath.    Today its in the 40s.   I’m tired.    Last night I came home from work and Damien had destroyed the woodwork around two of our doors.     I was so upset.   He must have been spooked somehow.    I felt so bad.    Went to Rocco’s in Fredonia for a fabulous meal with Riley and Erin.    I’ve been given the cold shoulder from Peter and hope that he works out whatever is going on.   I don’t have the energy for that either.     I got upset with him on Easter while I was trying to do the dishes and he criticized how I put things in the dishwasher and actually removed things I put in.  So I guess I don’t need to do dishes anymore if I don’t do them right.   I left for a while and went for a walk with Damien down to the gorge.    I need that alone time to  be me.   We did have a nice Easter with Kathy and Marcia and Riley and Erin and John and Avery…..   great lamb and colored deviled eggs and lots of desserts.   Erin made a super sweet decorated cake for Peter.      I’m doing fairly well on my new eliptcal machine.   It makes me feel better to be more active.    I feel like the combination of gray skies, cold weather, Shelby whining and my inactivity have combined to make me feel like shit.   I’m looking forward to more daylight and energy.    Today I took Damien for a run before work, and worked out after work.   I will try to make that a habit.

Easter March 23, 2008

The sun is shining and it is Easter morning. I woke up in tears, a hangover from my conversation with Shelby yesterday, when I AGAIN get accused of various and sundry things that are currently ruining her life. That is an overstatement, but it feels that way to me. Why do I always put everything on her….. expecting her to “move on “, not invite her to Easter so she is feeling left out, defending Riley and on and on. I try to be conciliatory, ask her what I can do to help “us” move on, and the conversation circles back to all the “mistakes” I’ve made in the past. I feel like I don’t even have a daughter, just the ghost of holiday trauma. I exist to be her whipping post. No matter how hard I try it is never right. She selects out of context things I say and uses them against me. Ugh. I am becoming emotionally depleted and feel like I don’t even want to try anymore. Of course , that goes against my personal nature, but I believe I will have to “take a stand” and if she wants to have a relationship with me, she’ll have to pursue it.   I am so so so tired of working to make it right, that I have no energy left.

Easter March 23, 2008

Its a glorious sunny day.   I wish I felt better, but I’m sure that I will feel better as the day progresses.   I have an emotional hangover from my conversation with Shelby yesterday, receiving the brunt of her frustrations, and as always, I’m the “bad guy”……. asking her to move on, defending Riley, not inviting her to Easter, believing what Jody said about Riley, and on and on and on in a circular fashion to the point of  feeling physical pain.    I have not emotional energy to even try any more.   Perhaps this is one of those instances that I need to totally give up.   It goes against my personal nature, but I do admit I am powerless over this one.    I guess that if she wants a relationship with me, she’ll have to instigate it.     I can’t go on like this.   Its beyond an emotional roller coster.   At least that implicates that there are “ups”.     I haven’t felt that way with her in ages.     She is self centered and cannot imagine anyone elses plights or postitions.    I am sorry for this.

I had a really nice conversation with Shelby my brother last night.   He gave me lots of positive feedback and is one of the people in my life that really knows what I’ve had to deal with….. the death of a brother, divorce of my parents, the craziness of my mother, alcohlism of my husband and on and on and on.

I will ready myself for church.    I have to read today.   I need hope and joy right now in my life.

Sorrowful Susan March 23, 2008

I should write, but don’t feel like it.   I feel devastated.    Lost.    Like I can’t do anything right.   No matter what I say to Shelby, she says I’ve twisted it around to say something negative about her.   Even if I deny it, she goes on and on about how I shouldn’t have said it in the first place and only proves how evil I am.   Or so it makes me think.   I’m  sad.   I’ m sorrowful.   I feel like there is NOTHING  I can do or say to make amends.  I miss her.   I need her.   But I don’t need her that bad to feel sorrowful all the time.